Sunday, December 10, 2006
@4:34 PM
I thought I would remember.
Sometimes, the emotions are just so overwhelming.
It doesn't mean that I don't speak, I don't have a voice.
In fact, there's too much to talk about, but I'm too weary of sarcasm. When I say I'm disheartened, it's not self-pity, I meant your sarcasm did the job. We are on a different frequency(already), this I know. Perhaps, someday, I might call on you and share with/tell you everything in whole. That's when I hope, it would be easier to talk. By then, time would have given us more breathing space. More acceptance, perhaps?
Yes, there's many things I said I would do but I never really did do so.
When was the last time I had achieved something, I asked myself. It was a long long time back. How long? I can't really remember. There's no room for excuses now. Some time back, I had a problem. Perhaps they were young and foolish, they found fault with people who did/are better than them(academically, physically)and gave a hard time. Back then, I was really foolish. Or in uglier words, I was a loser, a big loser. I would do anything and everything to please. I acted "stupid" and I would let them do better than me. It was like putting on a mask, a mask to make me feel better, something to make my life look better. It went on for a long period of time. That was how I lost touch with academic expectations and had been studying half-heartedly. I had by then, lost the drive which I once had. Which was also, the true me.
If I say my words speak louder than my actions, would you believe? It's obvious, not. But, what if I had explained?
I had once been the girl filled with drive, ideals and character. So beautiful. Perhaps I had seemed ugly now. True enough, my actions did speak louder than my words, I do not look anything like that girl at all. If I had told you, my mask had done the job. Are you taking it? My words are from me. My actions? Let's put blame on the mask, shall we? As much as it's unbearable for you, it is hell for me. I hate to be who I am now. Really. I never liked to just be an average. I love to outshine and be the best/smartest. No, put it this way, there's a certain kind of must in it and also, it's a want. I do know where I want to be and I will get up there. Yes, this still stands. It's either I do it best or nothing.
Perhaps, I had seemed to be the Beatrice you think I am now.
I say, not. We or rather, I need time, really.
I'm dying to take it off.
